


You're my Balance

by AutumnalBloom, awbucks



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bruce is here too, Gen, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Natasha Is a Good Bro, Not Steve Friendly, Pain, Steve just doesn't get it, bucky and his memory issues are real in this, but still good, sads, tony and his PTSD actually is dealt with, winteriron, winteriron at the very end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-28
Updated: 2017-10-01
Packaged: 2019-01-06 15:27:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12213633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutumnalBloom/pseuds/AutumnalBloom, https://archiveofourown.org/users/awbucks/pseuds/awbucks
Summary: Tony and Bucky just met- but they feel an unshakable connection. Then, Steve tears them apart. Bucky can't remember what he did. He never can. But Tony can.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little thing we wrote : )

Tony wasn’t the same after he got back from Afghanistan. He tried so hard, though, to be the same man he used to be. When the Avengers got together for the first time, Tony quickly realized that they didn’t know much about dealing with traumatized people. Well, Natasha was fairly sensitive, but..the others were hopeless. Still, when Nick Fury asked him to let Stark Tower be the “temporary” base, Tony felt like he had to accept. Even when it wasn’t good for his own mental health, he did everything for them. It was what friends were for, right? 

So, he lived with it. Even when there were some days that were so bad he couldn’t leave his lab, or when he couldn’t shower for days at a time because a drop of water was bad enough to make him puke. Dum-E made him some smoothies, he kept going, and life went on. Steve had his new friend living here, but..Tony barely left enough nowadays to notice. Surely someone had to see that something was wrong, but no one said anything. Maybe it was because they didn’t care as much as he thought they did, or maybe they just liked the benefits that came from being ‘friends’ with him. Either way, Tony would be okay. If he wasn’t...they’d be set for life anyways.

“So,” Bucky nudged Steve with his foot. He was half asleep on the couch, his legs in Steve’s lap. If he closed his eyes and thought hard enough, he could almost lie to himself and pretend it was ‘39 again. But the couch was too comfortable and Steve was too distant. 

“You sure Stark is okay with me living here?” Bucky shrugged and picked at the threads on his sweatshirt. It had a frowny face printed over the grey fabric; someone had left it on his bed as a crank gift, and while it didn’t sit quite right with Bucky, he wore it. He was cold, after all, and never one to put something to waste. Besides, it’s not like he had any friends to share it with. Tasha had already joked it’d been in her closet, but Bucky could tell she was lying. 

“Cause, it’s nice of him and all, y’know, but…” Bucky’s eyes went to his lap, baggy sweats hiding the scars on his legs and the bizarre mix of Hydra serum and low nutrition that made up his body composition now. The doctors were still trying to figure out what had fucked with his metabolism, and immune system and internal temperature, and neurology… 

“I can’t imagine he wants me here.” 

Steve shrugged, lazily outlining with a charcoal in his hand. “I dunno, Buck. Why don’t you go ask him? He’s always in that lab of his. We barely even see him anymore. I don’t think it’s your fault though, he stopped hanging out with us just a couple months after we moved in.” 

In hindsight, Steve didn’t really even think about Tony much anymore. It was just like..he was gone. The only time he saw the man was when he would occasionally come up for coffee, or when Steve accidentally broke some type of technology. He stopped coming to team movie nights after Clint made one too many jokes about how he didn’t watch anything good, no action movies or anything. It was probably fine though, Natasha usually kept an eye on everyone. “You could try to coax him up here.” He said, just the same. It would probably end in a fight between them, but perhaps he could try to put in a little effort.  
Bucky shot Steve a look, rolling his eyes. For being such a supposed leader, his friend wasn’t much of a...perceptive man. Never had been really, before and after he got twenty-twenty vision. 

“I’m going to go find him and say hello.” Bucky peeled the blanket off his lap and stood, running his fingers through his hair. He...he didn’t mind it longer. It was nice, different from the just above the ears please cut he’d had for most of his old life. Natasha had braided it for him once or twice, and she sometimes used silly elastics. Bucky stepped into the elevator and once the door closed, he looked around the cabin awkwardly. Maybe if there was a...screen? Or something, talking to Jarvis wouldn’t be so hard. 

“Uh, can you take me to Tony Stark? Uh, Jarvis?” He paused for a beat, blinking at the ceiling. “Thank you, sir.” 

Jarvis seemed to pause for a moment. In reality, he was talking to Tony. 

“Sir,” He began gently, not wanting to frighten or startle him. “Mr. Barnes is requesting to see you.” 

 

Tony looked up from where he was trying to unscrew a panel with shaky hands. “Barnes?” He thought for a moment. It was Bucky, but..why would Bucky want to see him? Nobody ever came down to the lab except for Bruce, on occasion. Thinking for a moment longer, Tony nodded a little. “Alright. He can come down.” 

The elevator started up, and Jarvis spoke to Bucky. “Sir has decided to allow you into his lab. Please remember to wipe your feet before you enter, or you will be attacked by an overenthusiastic robot with a broom.” 

“Uh, alright.” Bucky nodded, as if that was the most obvious thing in the world. Within seconds, the doors slid open and he did as requested, wiping the rubber soles of his sneakers on provided doormat. Once he was convinced Tony’s robot wouldn’t rap his knuckles ‘cause he didn’t clean his shoes off, Bucky stepped into the lab. 

And boy. Was it beautiful. He gasped softly and balled his fists, sticking them in the pocket of his frowny face sweatshirt, holding them tight enough so that they didn’t move an inch. The lab...god, he didn’t want to risk sounding old fashioned, but it was neat down here. Like a spaceship almost! He stood frozen there, at the entrance of the lab, rocking back and forth on his heels, staring up in awe. Bucky was a little lost, almost forgotten why he’d come down here. The chrome and wires and background static of music was endearing and felt lived in; one of the only places in the tower like that. No wonder Tony liked it down here so much.

Tony looked up at him. Dum-E fell quiet for a moment and rolled over to Bucky, examining him before he beeped in excitement, waving his large hydraulic arm around. Tony chuckled.

 

“Dum-E says hello. He probably won’t calm down until you shake his hand.” Tony felt safe having a guest here for a little while, didn’t look as bad as he usually did, although not as good as he did in public either. It seemed as though he had lost a bit of weight since he was last seen out and about, but..living on green smoothies did that. “Well, this is my lab. Come on in.” He said, nodding to a few different seats.

“You can explore, or..make yourself comfortable, or..whatever. Did you need something? You’re probably here for a new piece of weaponry or armor, right?” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m a little full right now with Widow’s new armor, and Steve’s new prototype, and..well, the updates to the suit, and Clint’s new EMP arrows.” There were always a million things on his list. “But, I could always use more to do. I can’t promise that it’ll be fast, but I can promise that it’ll be groundbreaking.” 

Bucky shook his head. This guy was impossible to figure out. Unlike Bucky, who could easily be seen for who he had been or who he’d turned into. There wasn’t much there to look at nowadays, but his history had more than enough ammo for a good idea of him. 

“I just came down to talk.” He shrugged and took a seat in the area Tony had gestured to. “Y’know…” Bucky sighed and chewed on his lip, trying to compose himself into a semi-coherent being. It was hard enough to deal with all of it inside his head; or to broach the topic with Steve, which was on par with the cryo sleep in terms of hellish activities, but to vocalize it with one of the people he’d hurt? Especially considering the unfounded kindness Tony had shown him? If there was anything that made him cry; made the Soldier in him cry, it was that. 

“I don’t have to stay here, if that’d be easier for you. Living with...whoever I am now,” He shook his head, hair falling into his eyes. “I don’t want to make you suffer just ‘cause they dropped me here with Stevie.” Bucky looked up and met Tony’s eyes; god, he was happy that they had color film for every camera nowadays, cause you couldn’t capture those eyes in black and white. Too damn gorgeous. Bucky looked away. 

“All my therapy and meetings and appointments, I can fix; Sam already told me not to worry about scheduling with those folks.” He stared down at the floor, going over everything he’d said, hoping his memory didn’t betray him and he’d gotten all he wanted out. 

“I just don’t want to be the one fucking with your life, y’know? Already done that enough.” 

Tony shook his head, feeling guilty. He didn’t realize that Bucky would be bothered by him disappearing, nobody else seemed to mind that he was gone. 

“No, no. It’s not you, I promise.” He looked at Bucky, then towards the ground. “I’m just..fucked up. I thought the others would get it, but..they don’t.” He shrugged. “You get it. But it isn’t your fault, you should stay here if that’s what you want. I’ll pay for an apartment if you want to leave. I wouldn’t blame you, but,” Tony paused, thinking about his next words.

“I don’t want you to leave because of me. I’m not avoiding you specifically...I’m just avoiding everybody.” And water, and too much violence that wasn’t necessary, and Clint jumping out of the fucking vents like a creeper. He’d sealed all of his own vents and gotten a smaller air supply just for that purpose. Not to mention all the comments when he didn’t act like the real Tony Stark, that was almost worst. “What’s wrong, Stark?” They’d say, sometimes even elbowing him. “Not feeling your usual asshole self, today?” And Tony knew everyone expected him to be that guy all the time, but damn, sometimes he just couldn’t be. He sighed and turned back towards the panel in his rolly chair. “It’s just better for me to be down here making shit until I’m needed. Think of me like the house cryptid. I bring gifts, but I prefer to be left alone.” 

Bucky knit his brows together and tilted his head to one side. “A-a what?” He asked. Maybe he’d just forgotten a word; sometimes that happened, but this one didn’t even seem familiar. It was an...odd way to describe yourself. Was it...a robot? An elf? Or just some new slang Bucky had yet to pick up on? He shrugged and shook his head. Tony probably would just give him some directions to find the explanation or make some comment about how they’d already told him what it was and that he’d forgotten again and aren’t you writing this stuff down to work on with your therapist? 

“Ah, nevermind, sorry.” He muttered, gaze going fuzzy and unfocused. Tony hadn’t spent enough time with him to see how slow he was nowadays. Compared to his old self.

“If you want to be left alone, I can leave now,” His head shot up and he looked at Tony with wide eyes. Sometimes the asset still poked through. Don’t tell Stevie, please. He’d be upset. 

“Is that what you’d like? I can leave.” 

Tony hesitated, then shook his head. It was actually pretty nice to have someone to talk to who didn’t judge him. Then again, this was a good day. Bucky had never seen him during a bad one. None of the Avengers had, he made sure of that. 

“No, you can stay a bit longer. A cryptid is..” He thought of a way to describe it. “An animal or a creature that nobody can prove is real. Like the Loch Ness Monster, or a unicorn. Sometimes they’re spotted every once in awhile, which is why I compared myself to one. But..y’know, nobody can prove it really happened.” He shrugged. “Sorry. I forget that it’s kind of a made up word.” It was easier to explain things to Bucky than it was to Steve. It wasn’t surprising, since Steve usually went in with his mind made up to begin with.

“I’m working on adding a new function to Jarvis. He’ll be able to shield me from weak projectiles like rain for short periods of time while I’m out and about.” It wasn’t completely ready yet, but..Tony wanted to be able to go outside without fear of getting wet and freaking the hell out.

Bucky snorted at the description of a cryptid. It was sort of sweet, in a funny little way. He just hoped he wouldn’t fuck up and forget it. He...he didn’t think his memory was so bad, but then when Stevie broke when Bucky didn’t remember something, it seemed like it was. 

“That’s neat.” Bucky said quietly. He wasn’t exactly sure what had happened to Tony all those years ago when he’d gotten captured, but one could imagine. Certain things, certain, mundane little things, could flip his personality, his mood like a switch, and if Bucky Barnes didn’t understand that. Ice, and needles were obvious things, and accepted as no-gos, but there were more peculiar things as well that he thought were too bizarre to bring up. It was hard for him to handle chilly metal; in any form, a water bottle, the refrigerator, cars on snowy days...it was completely asinine, but all he could feel when he touched that nasty chilly steel were sides of the chamber and the door swinging shut. 

“I’ve been going on walks around the city, back to Brooklyn sometimes too, maybe you could test it out there?” His tone was hopeful, but only tentatively so. He would love to be friends with the inventor. He had a kind heart, and bright eyes, and spoke in such a smooth way, it made Bucky cringe at his own voice. It would be nice to know someone in the tower that you hadn’t trained, or looked after, or fell from...Tony didn’t know Bucky Barnes of Brooklyn. Or the Asset of Hydra. And he had no claims to pretend he understood. Least not yet. 

“Or I bet on one of the balconies here, too. Thanks for that, by the way,” Bucky added, cheeks reddening. “For the deck off my room? And the windows that unlock?” He’d asked for that, but didn’t think it would happen. 

“I really appreciated that.” 

Tony smiled a little, the first time he’d smiled in at least over a week. “Ah, you’re welcome. It’s the same as I’d do for anybody. We all have things we have..trouble with, or would prefer. If there’s anything else you need, feel free to let me know. You’re much nicer than the others.” Maybe Bucky was what a real friend was supposed to be like. 

“Maybe on a nice sunny day we could go, sure. I heard tomorrow was supposed to be nice, and it might be a little quieter since it’s a weekday.” Tony was used to drawing a crowd of people and photographers, but he just wanted to go out and be at peace for a while. Maybe get some coffee or go to the park. “I haven’t gotten out in awhile, so it might be good for me. Besides, the press probably thinks I’m dead by now. I have a reputation to keep up.” He laughed, but it was sad how true it really was.

\---  
Steve wasn’t sure what Tony had done to Buck. Honestly, he’d been fine, a little different, but his friend had seemed to be okay. He worried about whether or not Tony was upset with him, sure, but that was just him being Bucky. Bucky had always been a bleeding heart about people; anyone who showed him kindness, his friend would mull over their interactions. 

But now? It was going too far. He didn’t owe Stark a single thing; didn’t have to pretend to either. Didn’t have to save face, ‘cause he had nothing to be guilty of. Steve had made sure Bucky had everything he needed, and that nothing to stress him out; and to Steve, that included Tony fucking Stark. He was just a ticking time bomb of arrogance and mistakes. Why Buck felt the need to be his diplomatic self with the guy was beyond Steve. And now he was waiting for him to go out to Brooklyn? 

“Y’sure you want to do this, Buck?” He asked, raising an eyebrow. “You know, you don’t have to make good with everyone here. It’s okay to let some people fall through the cracks, if it’s for your own good.” 

 

Tony was feeling..nervous. Nervous about going outside in public again, and going out and about with Bucky. He was a great guy, Tony had to admit it even though he didn’t have a chance in hell. Bucky was probably just taking him outside for obligations sake, Nat probably asked him to get Tony out of the house for once. It’d been..what, a month since he left? He was already feeling shaky, a side effect of having showered last night. It had been hell. 

Still, he was dressed, and mostly ready to go and had made it to the elevator before he started to have second thoughts. God, what if he screwed it up? What if the people were all too much, or someone spilled something on him, or if it rained all of a sudden. He couldn’t have a panic attack around Bucky. He was the only friend Tony had right now, and he might tell the Avengers. Then he’d get kicked off the team, and...it’d make his life even more of a living hell. Still, he couldn’t just drop out on the guy- Tony had to suck it up. Somehow. The elevator doors opened, and then he saw..Steve. Standing next to Bucky, trying to convince him not to do something. Go with me his brain put together, after a moment. He cleared his throat slightly, then glanced down to the floor. Shit. 

Bucky rolled his eyes at Steve’s relentless rambling about the consequences of going for a walk with Tony. It was as if his anxiety was contagious or something; as though Bucky had no experience with that himself. When the elevator dinged and Tony stepped out into the kitchen, Bucky smiled and relaxed a bit. 

“Hey, Tony. You look nice today. Ready to go?” He looked a little tired and shaken, but was still cute, in his way. He walked over to him and gave Steve a nod; face emotionless. His friend had...changed. Was more...tense, distrusting of even his team. Hadn’t he and Tony fought together for a couple years before he’d come back outta Hydra? Or was that his brain fucking information up again? Maybe that was it. Maybe Steve was just the same as he’d always been and Bucky was just stupid. 

“We’ll back in a little while, okay? N’don’t worry, I got my phone.” 

Tony nodded. “I’ll have him back before six, pops.” He cracked a smile, and walked back towards the elevator. It would be fine, right? He’d put on a nondescript outfit, just a hoodie for the cool fall day and some jeans. Even brought some sunglasses in case photographers appeared and he needed to hide the purple bags under his eyes. It was gonna be fine. He checked his phone for the forecast one more time, then looked to Bucky. “Are you ready to go?” He said, looking over at him. 

Tony pressed the button for the elevator and when it opened up, he stepped inside and pressed the button for the ground floor. This would be nice, right? To get out and be in the city for a little while, walk to Brooklyn if Bucky felt like it. Maybe they could get to know each other better. Tony would like that, even if it wasn’t a date.

“Y’know, when I was younger, I used’ta go all around New York. Harlem, Queens, Manhattan. Never could stay put. Wanted to see what I could, which wasn’t much considering I never made it further than Maine ‘till the war, but…” Bucky shrugged and looked up at an old brick tenement that housed offices now. It had the fading remains of an advertisement for laundry soap painted to its side. It was like a ghost of a city, the old buildings stuck in between the skyscrapers, tiny alleys that had corners of posters long ripped away stuck to the mortar. It made Bucky feel even more like a ghost than usual, and he couldn’t harp on it too long, lest he get upset. 

“I wish I’d paid more attention to some things. Didn’t know how precious some of that shit was ‘till I was overseas and then, well-” He shrugged and smiled remorsefully. “Hundred years put out from it.” The light changed and the two of them crossed the street, they were just wandering, really. Seeing what they could see. It was like walking through a fever dream for him, some things so very much the same while other bits couldn’t be farther from the truth he once knew. 

“Well isn’t that something?” Bucky perked up, a little band set up in a courtyard, trumpet, saxophone, bass and drums, were playing old jazz standards and the like. He paused for a moment by them, bopping his head to the beat. He recognized the tune, but couldn’t remember the name. 

“Music sorta transcends time,” He met Tony’s eyes. “Don’t you think?” 

Tony looked at him. It was sad, how much he missed the past. He wanted to take him back, let him go back one last time just to visit. When he saw the jazz band though, Tony loved the way Bucky lit up. “It’s Ruby, My Dear by Thelonious Monk.” He remembered it from a gala that he and Pepper went to, remembered liking it. He paused, thinking. 

“Do you wanna stop and dance for a few minutes?” He asked, smiling a little. It would be fun, right? It had been...been so long since he had been close to someone, and maybe it would nice. He wanted to hold Bucky close, wrap his arm around him, sway softly to the music. Music did transcend time. Tony was glad this little band had gotten together today. It gave him a chance to do something romantic with someone that he was crushing on more than just a bit. 

Bucky cocked an eyebrow and nodded after a moment. He stepped to the side and gently started swaying back and forth, sliding one arm around Tony’s waist and using his other hand to guide his up, intertwining their fingers. 

He hadn’t danced in so long. It had been a lifetime, really. It made Steve sad rather than bittersweet, so they kept their records on but never got up to dance. Bucky had forgotten how lovely it was to hold another person and let the band take you away. Tony was the perfect partner, they fit together like puzzle pieces. Not to mention he was completely and utterly beautiful and it hurt to think that….that he was hurting as much as he was. Locking himself away, afraid to go out often. 

Had no one noticed? Did...did no one care? 

Tony felt relaxed for the first time in ages, warm and safe. “God, this is so nice.” He said softly, looking at Bucky. He was gorgeous. Their eyes met, and Tony felt an emotion he couldn’t quite describe, and then..sadness. It was something like desire, but not quite. The feeling of knowing you were in love with someone you could never have, because of your own..shortcomings. Tony knew this couldn’t last, it wouldn’t. It wasn’t safe to get attached to someone again, he couldn’t stand to lose another piece of his heart. 

After a few more moments of happiness, more guilt started to overwhelm him, and he pulled away gently. It wasn’t like he deserved to feel this way, not after all he’d done. “I’m sorry, I just-” He whispered, shaking his head a little. “You’re too good for me.” He glanced to Bucky for a second, then the street. Tony pulled out his wallet, feeling a little shaky. He threw a hundred into the hat the band had sitting in front, then looked to Bucky. “I’m going to go, I think.” Tony said, chewing on his lip. “I’m sorry. You- don’t have to go back with me. I can get back on my own.” 

And just like that, Tony crumbled in on himself, taking Bucky’s heart with him. He could see his hands shake and as he pulled away, it left them both cold. In a voice softer and lighter than tissue paper, Tony muttered about goodness and worry and fuck-

“Hey,” Bucky slid silently up beside Tony, walking back towards the tower. He gently grabbed hold of Tony’s hand, running his thumb over his knuckles. Holding hands was okay, right? It was good, long as Tony didn’t mind? He’d been seeing his therapist and...was relearning physical affection. Like holding hands. It was comforting for him, and maybe it would be for his friend as well. 

“We’ll go home together, okay? You don’t hafta be alone.” He half smiled at Tony and squeezed his palm. “I liked dancing with you, it was nice. Kinda a lost art, isn’t it?” Usually, Bucky stayed quiet, almost silent, without even meaning to, but now the silence needed to be filled. Tony’s own pretty cadance was nowhere to be heard. It left them in a tense quiet, only quelled by Bucky’s rusty, ugly voice. 

“And, uh…” He swallowed uneasily. “I think you’re really brave. Coming out here and doing this…” Bucky nodded seriously. “You’re strong as hell, and that’s without the armor.” 

Tony looked at their hands, processing things for a moment. It seemed like just a little affection was enough to overwhelm him completely. As he walked, Tony tried to think of the words just to tell Bucky how much he appreciated it. But, he could only think of a few, and none of them seemed right yet. Not yet. So eventually, he just settled on, “Thank you.” It seemed like the best choice for now. He wanted to say so much more. That over just a few days, Bucky had become his lifeline. But that would be too much pressure to put on someone who..who couldn’t afford to be Tony’s rock. Steve was right, it was better not to get involved with him. 

“I’m sorry, I’m just-” Tony paused for a second and looked at Bucky, searching for the right words. He didn’t want to break this man’s heart. He looked back to the dirty sidewalk, trying to hide how shiny his eyes were getting. “I’m bad for you. Bad for everybody around me. I- I fuck everything up except for inventing shit, that’s all I’m good for. Only reason they haven’t kicked me off the team yet. I’m trying, but..” He blinked a couple times, and wiped his face with his hand. “I’m a bad person. I killed so many people with my weapons, it was my fault. You shouldn’t- Steve is right. I’m a time bomb.” 

If Tony was a killer, Bucky better be the devil. ‘Cause you didn’t get any worse than him. “No,” Bucky said, not getting any louder than a whisper. His heart was beating hard in his chest, and he...there were things he wanted to do to help. 

But every bit of his conditioning revolted against it. He was afraid if he reached out with anything beyond his words, his own sanity would crumble. And he wasn’t about to leave Tony to deal with that mess. “Steve...Steve deals in absolutes. It’s why he expects the future to have no remnants of our pasts and that once I remembered him…” He let out a ragged breath and shook his head. 

“I’d be his Bucky again. He just doesn’t see people as lives lived. They’re good or bad depending on if they agree with him.” They reached the tower in less time than Bucky thought they would, though the trip felt like an eternity. Inside the tower, Bucky let Tony lead the way; he was still frightened of the security and the harsh lighting didn’t help either. Bucky was lucky that he was allowed to keep his room dim and quiet. And warm. Which was lovely in and of itself. 

Tony hurried in, ignoring the click of camera shutters. He sighed softly and looked over at Bucky, once they got inside. “I’m gonna go down to the lab.” Tony said, gently. “You can come down in a little bit if you want.” He really needed a minute on his own just to try to breathe again, but Bucky probably wouldn’t want to leave him all alone. Gently, he squeezed Bucky’s hand and looked up at him. “I promise, I’ll..” He drew in a shaky breath. “I’ll be okay. Jarvis will tell you if I need you. Promise.” He gave the man a weak smile, then gently released his hand and walked towards the elevator. “Thanks for taking me out today.” He glanced down, then back to Bucky. 

“I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I really enjoyed it. Enjoyed being with you.” With that, the elevator doors shut.

\---  
Bucky blinked and bit his lip, looking just past Steve. He couldn’t make eye contact, not anymore. It was like staring into the sun. His brain was foggy and words got tied up on his tongue. 

“I...I-damn it, sorry Steve.” Bucky muttered, wincing at his own stupidity. There was nothing in his mind and his recall was embarrassing. Please don’t be mad, pal. I’m sorry. Sorry, I’m working….working on it. What were they talking about again? What was it? What...oh, oh yeah. Him. Pretty eyes. Pretty voice. Pretty fella top to bottom. 

Steve didn’t like him. Didn’t like talking about him either. Yeah. Bucky did know that. “We were…” He looked towards the window. “Out there n’ then...we heard some music, I think.” Bucky nodded, keeping his eyes on his mug. “Yeah, I think that was all.” He wasn’t even sure exactly what the first half of that story had been, but it felt right, his ending. He hoped it was.

Steve sighed a little, getting frustrated. Buck was gone again, right in the middle of his sentence, too. “Damn it, Buck, please try to remember more. You were telling me that he was upset about something? That you needed to talk to me about it?” It was probably just a bad day, but..Steve hated it when Bucky couldn’t focus. Never used to be that way, not back in the day. Now, he was gone so often it was more like he was a shell. Steve wanted to know more about why Stark had a freak out, was he fit to go in the field? If he couldn’t even go outside, how could he be? The whole thing sounded a little too romantic for his tastes and he was concerned about that too, but..the safety of the rest of the team came first. 

“Should I go get Nat? I know you like talking to her better, and then she can pass it along to me.” Sometimes when he clammed up like that, it was the only way to find out what was going on. It would be the easier solution, right? He got his phone out, ready to text her and ask her to come over.

Bucky shook his head, hair falling into his eyes. Natalia was a friend, not his handler. He busied his hands with the rivets on his metal arm, tracing them with a fingertip. Whenever Steve got upset, Bucky’s guilt skyrocketed. What had his therapist told him to do to get better? Get back to normal? It was in his brain somewhere. He just couldn’t access it. Like every other fucking thing. 

“Oh, right. I’m sorry.” He muttered, nodding to himself. Glimpses of the story he was attempting to tell flashed for mere seconds in his mind, and he held onto the memories tight. 

“We were dancing. Was nice, kinda felt like those times when my neighbors would that thing? Outside?” It was some sort of party, he thinks. Maybe he was wrong. 

“I felt like I was back in Brooklyn a little. N’ then he got a little panicked.” Bucky furrowed his brow and took a sip of his coffee. “Told me something. But I forget what.” He made momentary eye contact with Steve, glance a sick mix of fear and shame. “Sorry.” 

Steve looked away for a second, trying his best to hide his growing frustration. It sounded like a damn fine date, but all he wanted to know was why Stark was upset. “Can you remember anything he said at all?” He asked looking back at Bucky, words harsher than he intended. Then he frowned a little. “I’m sorry, I just- this is important. If he’s afraid of his own shadow, there’s no way in hell he can fight supervillains. I’m worried about the health of this team, okay? If he can’t do this for us, then- then we can’t have someone dragging us down.” 

Steve knew it was harsh, but...Bucky needed to understand that it was serious. And that Stark wasn’t good for him. “Stark is..he’s someone you need to stay away from. I know he seems nice, but he isn’t. He’s an arrogant playboy who will break your heart the first chance he gets, and I don’t want that to happen to you. Okay? Just stay away from him.” He crossed his arms, looking at Bucky. “Promise?” 

Buck leaned into the sofa cushions and watched Steve’s lips move and listened to his voice, but didn’t pay much attention to what he was saying. He was so lost in his own head now, the only thing that registered was that Stevie was mad. At him. Oh no. He kept getting himself into this mess, of Stevie being angry, it was all his own damn fault. 

“Yes.” He said, hoping that would placate him. Make him stop snapping at him. The blonde hair and blue eyes weren’t just Stevie’s anymore. There was another man who was little and lean and harsh. Would barrage him with questions he was too slow to answer and slap him ‘cross the face when he didn’t say what needed to be said. Least this time Stevie only wanted him to agree. He...he wanted more answers too, but Bucky didn’t want to do that to him. Bucky knew he was a good man, and that he was just as strong as anybody else. He knew he had to be responsive to questioning, but...how could he lie? 

“Could I go get more coffee, please?” Bucky finally asked himself, in a low, meek voice. His mug was drained and he missed the warmth that pressed against his palm. “I...I’m sorry.” 

Steve nodded, taking a few deep breaths. “I’m gonna go down to the gym and workout for a while.” He said, seemingly placated by that. That was good enough. As long as Bucky stayed away from Stark, everything would be okay. Right? So, he looked at Bucky for a moment longer then walked off to his room to get his equipment, leaving the man alone with his coffee cup. 

Jarvis had alerted Tony to the conversation, of course. It wasn’t like the AI usually eavesdropped on others, but...this seemed important enough to alert his creator too. Tony watched it all as well. Steve’s rant, Bucky’s promise to stay away from him. It was enough to make him regret everything he’d said. Of course he’d trusted Bucky, the man was kind. Even though he couldn’t remember much, he had told Steve enough to add another brick to the pile of evidence for kicking Tony off the team. Maybe it would be better that way. Sure, he wanted to be a superhero. Didn’t they know how much they really depended upon him? For technology, weapons, money..anything. Maybe it would be better if he went to Malibu, hid there instead. But..there was so much ocean there. Dammit, Tony hated this. Hated himself. Slowly, he pulled his knees to his chest and closed his eyes. It didn’t matter. Nobody wanted him on the team, but they wouldn’t last without him. It was bullshit. 

“Jarvis..” He sucked in a breath. “Just lock down the lab for a couple hours.” 

 

____

When Steve finally left him, Bucky wandered back to his room and hid in the small space between the wall and the bed, shivering and head thumping. It hurt, fuck, it hurt so bad. He attempted to regroup. Had he been in interrogation? Was that what had happened? Or...or was his handler getting enough data to administer proper discipline? No...no, no, no. 

It was just Steve. Bucky had disappointed him and he looked at him with his blue eyes and they hurt more than the train and were colder than he remembered. Or made up. Maybe...maybe he’d just made all that up. Bucky sipped on his coffee, barely registering the sugar on his tongue or the flashes of heat that blossomed and faded in his chest. There was nothing he could do but be better. He’d...he’d always been better, hadn’t he? He was supposed to be? ‘Cause if Stevie was little and sick and got hurt, Bucky Barnes couldn’t ever be. He could be stupid. That was okay. But not too stupid. ‘Cause then Stevie noticed. And he hated stupidity. 

What a stupid asset he was. To fail his handler like that. Shouldn’t happen. He just...just wanted to keep him safe. Who...pretty eyes,pretty voice. Stevie didn’t like him. And didn’t want Bucky to either. Bucky set his mug down on a hard surface and curled up, legs to chest and his metal palm tearing at the skin on his arm. The pain was better than the fear. 

Tony had spent hours trying to figure out what to do. Should he resign? Or stay, and work harder? God, how could he work any harder? He just..had to be stricter about not leaving the lab. Yeah, that was it. Then Bucky would never accidentally run into him, and neither would anyone else. Nobody would have to worry about him anymore.

Then, he got a call that just made things worse. It was Pepper. The tabloids had gotten pictures on their walk, Tony knew that, but..all the speculation. That he was drinking again. Damn it, it made him angry. It wasn’t like that anymore- as bad as Tony wanted to forget, wanted to drown his pain over and over, it didn’t fucking work. So he had stopped drinking, six months ago. Still had the little keychain, even though he didn’t leave to go to his AA meetings anymore. Why did everyone think he was the same man? The playboy, the drunk, the asshole. Well, maybe he was still an asshole, but..couldn’t people change? Tony glanced down, then shook his head. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Pep.” He said softly, then hung up. Today sucked. All he wanted was to go and see Bucky, but..Bucky had promised Steve he’d stay away. Tony didn’t want to tempt the man into going against Steve. He didn’t want Steve to be angry at him. There was nothing he could do, and no one he could really turn to. 

So, Tony decided to curl up and just..lie there for a while. After about thirty minutes, Jarvis notified him that Bucky had hurt himself to the point of bleeding- picking at his arm again. Tony wanted to make him stop. Wanted to fix that damned metal arm, like he’d wanted to for so long, but..he had to stay away. Couldn’t leave the lab. Nobody wanted him there. He was a prisoner in his own home, in his own laboratory. At least he had the robots to keep him company. Dum-E rolled over to him, beeping softly and covering him with a fleece blanket.

“Thanks, Dum.” He said, softly. The robot just stood there for a moment, before it decided to simply place its arm on Tony’s shoulder, and stayed.

\-------------------

It was a full two weeks before Tony was coaxed out of the lab again, by Bruce and his promise to make grilled cheese for lunch. Despite all his wealth, Tony’s favorite food wasn’t caviar, but just a simple grilled cheese- with the highest quality parmesan and cheddar of course, he wasn’t that cheap of a date. He had wrapped himself up in a nice heavy quilt and went upstairs to the kitchen, sitting down in the little corner breakfast booth that Pepper insisted on ages ago. Sometimes now, he felt like a stranger in his own home. 

Bruce was cooking, and he had invited some of the others to come to lunch too, so he was making a lot of grilled cheese. He hadn’t told Tony that he had invited the others. Pretty much everyone except for Steve and Thor, really. He knew what the delicate man’s limits were. The person he was really hoping would show up was Bucky. They had gone out a few weeks ago, he’d learned that much from Natasha but ever since, both men had seemed..almost desolate. It was sad. Had something happened? Bruce wasn’t sure, but he did want to find out and if that meant bribing them both with some grilled cheeses and homemade tomato soup, he could do that. 

Natasha was the first one to show up, always fashionably early. Thankfully, she played it cool and pretended like she didn’t know about anything. Instead, she slid into the booth next to Tony and spoke to him softly. Comforting him in a language that neither Bruce nor Tony recognized, but was soothing all the same. Tony was glad, at least they still seemed to like him for the time being. He knew he was liked in small doses, but..when Tony tried to hang around, nobody really wanted him there. Though for now, he was just going to soak up the attention and enjoy it. Done.

Natasha had told Bucky that they were meeting in the kitchen, for lunch, she said. He had been down in the gym, tiring himself out like usual. Wore his sneakers out on the treadmill and beat his fist into countless punching bags. They’d removed his metal arm a week or so ago, after he’d cut himself again with it. His right arm was scattered with the mess of it, deep scrapes and ugly scars. His legs too. Least that could be covered up, right? Steve hated it, and...Bucky couldn’t help but wonder if that was part of why he did it. To spite him. Ugly up any bit of him that was remnants of the past. 

That wasn’t very nice of him. 

“Hey, Tasha.” He said softly, nudging her shoulder with his. He felt a little more comfortable now to sit with his left side in, now that the weapon was gone. Honestly, it was a weight lifted from his shoulders, despite how lopsided it made him feel. Beside her was Tony, and Bucky had to hold himself back from reaching out. His voice caught and any sort of greeting dissipated. Best he could do was smile a little, but even that brought a cavalcade of emotion. 

Tony looked at Bucky for a moment, then at the table. God, he missed the man so much. And what had happened to his arm? Had they taken it away? Finally, Tony decided to break the silence. He had to. “Uh. How have you been?” He asked, softly. Small talk would be okay, right? Steve wouldn’t be mad at them for that? It felt like it had been months since he had been up here, maybe it had- he’d lost most of his sense of time. 

“It’s been awhile, right?” He left unsaid as to why. Bruce brought over their lunch, setting it down in front of everyone, but Natasha and Bruce seemed to be the only hungry ones. He really didn’t know what to do. Tony just stared at his soup, stirring it around a little. Bucky..this was awkward, seeing him again. After Steve made him promise to stay away, and he agreed.

“I think so.” Bucky nodded, he couldn’t be completely sure, of course. No one else trusted his memory, so why should he? He took small sips of the soup, it burning his throat, mixing with the butterflies of anxiety down in his gut. 

“I’ve missed you.” It was his fault, of course. Being Steve’s little asset, weak kneed and docile, not to mention barely leaving his room or going beyond the hallway it shared with the gym. “How’s Dum-E?” He asked tentatively. That was the bot’s name, right? Bucky was going out on a limb here...but that’s what he swore he remembered. Bucky smiled a little, but then turned back to his plate, hiding his expression behind his curtain of hair. 

Tony frowned a little. “I..I missed you too.” He said, looking at him for a moment, before taking a small bite of his soup. It was good of course, Bruce made it, but..all he really wanted was to shove past Nat and throw himself into Bucky’s arm, cuddle into him. Of course, that wasn’t really an option. “Dum-E is fine, he’s been taking good care of me. Still makes shitty smoothies, but he’s great at making blankets. I taught him how to knit one-handed.” Tony didn’t know what else to say to him. He glanced over at Bruce, hoping he would break the silence. 

The man didn’t offer much help. He only said, “Steve’s gone for the weekend, he’s out on a mission. Fury sent him to Albania for reconnaissance.” 

Bucky snorted a little. “That’s...that’s adorable.” He slid his eyes back to Tony and smiled a bit wider. The man was looking uncharacteristically small today, both his body and his personality muted beneath a big quilt. Why...why hadn’t he gone to see him lately? What was Bucky’s problem?

“Yeah, I know, Steve told me. Made me write it down too.” Bucky pulled the little notebook from his sweatshirt pocket and squinted at it for a moment. He remembered it, but Steve didn’t trust his word. Bucky sighed, scanning his block-letter words. 

“He makes me write everything down now.” He tore off a corner of the grilled cheese and popped it in his mouth. It was embarrassing, how Steve hovered and questioned and worried in the most demeaning ways. Made him feel stupid, terrible, just like he was Pierce’s little asset all over again. 

Tony took a small bite of his sandwich, saying something before he could stop himself. “Did Steve make you write down that you had to stay away from me, too? I know he made you promise.” He said, sounding..hurt. Broken. His voice was rougher than before..like he was trying to keep the emotion from his voice. For those few days, Bucky had been the only good thing in his life. And he’d made the mistake of getting attached all over again, and losing him. It was hell. 

“I- I found out from Jarvis. He told me ‘cause he knew it was important. That I needed to know. He showed me Steve’s little rant, and..and the promise.” He shook his head. It was all the confrontation, minus the Steve. It didn’t really matter. “It just hurt. I know I’m not...not liked around here, but I don’t want someone to pretend to fucking care instead. I’d rather be alone.” He stood up, pushing past Bruce gently. Bruce seemed like he cared, maybe, but he gave Tony space. Tony just stood by the elevator, waiting for it to show up. Of course, he had forgotten to press the button. 

Bucky’s face fell and immediately it all fell back into place. That’s what he’d said. Back when he’d been spacey and Steve’d gotten mad and he just...just didn’t know what to do and just wanted him to stop. He clenched his fist and breathed in hasty, ragged huffs, he kept quiet, he knew how to do that, but beneath the surface all was going to hell. He didn’t do that anymore, damn it. He didn’t just follow orders and listen blankly and what had happened to him?  
Was this just his new base? A new handler? Stevie’s his new handler? But he’d gotten him outta that shit. Hadn’t he? That was what happened, right? Bucky didn’t know anymore, but he refused to look in that fucking notebook. That one wasn’t his. 

“I’m sorry, Tony.” He finally said, sounding like a mouse. Very tired, too. God, was he tired. He’d lived too long. There was nothing left. “I...I’m so sorry, Tony.” He picked up the notebook and shook his head, wanting to shred the damn fucking thing. “There’s nothing in here about you. I-I-” Bucky paused and pursed his lips, refusing to make eye contact. 

“He told me you didn’t like being with me ‘cause you’d have to repeat yourself. And...and that I was too slow for folks like you now.” Pretty, intelligent, funny fellas with stars in their eyes. 

Tony stopped, anger dissipating into thin air. Shit. He..he couldn’t help it. Bucky didn’t mean to hurt him. It was fucking Steve Rogers’ fault. He turned back to him, walking over to Bucky. “You were the brightest, best thing in my life. Don’t believe a damn thing he says about me. I..I might not be the strongest or the best, and I know I’m fucked up, but I care about you, James Barnes.” That..that was true. Nothing had been truer for Tony in a long time. 

“It felt like a piece of my heart had been ripped out when he made you leave me. Please, just..” Tony glanced down, then back to Bucky. “Please don’t leave me again. I know he’s your friend, and I shouldn’t- I shouldn’t ask you to pick sides, but...God, I need somebody. I know you cared about me before. Please..?” He finished softly, voice soft and broken. He missed Bucky with all his heart. Tony would’ve done anything to get him back. Maybe- maybe that was what love felt like, he wasn’t sure, but..all he knew was that though it was selfish, he wanted the man back in his life. That beautiful, kind man who got lost in his thoughts and lived more than five men, let alone one.

Tony Stark was the only person who’d made him cry nowadays. All of him. The soldier, the man...Most people dulled his emotions, his senses, but not Tony. He was like a flame and the lighter and everything in between. Barely thinking, fuck, he could barely see, his eyes were so full, Bucky got up and closed the distance between them, pressing their bodies together, all but bawling into Tony’s shoulder. With a touch more gentle and light than he was ever supposed to be, but always wanted to, he cradled Tony’s head with his palm, drawing circles at his hairline with his fingertip. 

He was warm, god, Tony was everything he wasn’t. “I won’t leave ya, I won’t.” 

Tony looked at him, relaxing into his arms. It was..it was everything he’d ever hoped for. Bucky was his balance. Their issues..they weren’t going away, but Tony knew he’d have a chance to get better now. They both did. 

Bucky was just holding him and Tony touched the side of his face gently, brushing a tear away and angling his face towards his own. “I think I’m in love with you, Barnes.” He said, in a voice barely above a whisper. Slowly, he leaned closer, and kissed the middle of his forehead, then smiled a bit. “In fact, I’m sure I am.”


	2. Even When Things Get Tough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We think this is gonna be it for this piece, but who knows, right? We're so happy with the response to this!!! Please, if you'd like, check out our winteriron blog, @imagine-winteriron and send us ideas and stuff!!!! it'll be fun :)

Steve was coming back today. Right? Yes. He was, he knew it and was trying to trust himself concerning that fact. His mission had kept him in Albania for a bit longer than originally planned, so the tower had been stuck in a bit of heavenly purgatory. It was a beautiful week and a half; Tony seemed to love him and of course Bucky loved him back and...god. He was just about the best thing to happen. 

 

They lay in bed together, under warm soft blankets, Tony curled around him, breathing quiet and calm. During the day, he carried so much stress and worry, that when he was finally able to sleep, which only seemed to happen if Bucky promised to lay with him, the peace that fell upon him was a happy rarity. 

Bucky loved the man. So much. He made his world sparkle and was a light when it went dark. He wasn’t sure if he could ever trust Steve again. He’d told him that Tony thought he was stupid, made him promise to stay away from him...for no reason beyond his own feelings. It hurt. Steve had treated him like a child and had given up on him. Bucky hadn’t realized this, ‘cause Stevie used to be his world. Like his fucking handler. Bucky pressed his forehead to Tony’s lightly. Always so warm. When Stevie came back today, he wouldn’t matter. It’d be okay. They’d be okay. Together.

Tony was mostly asleep when he heard the quinjet thump lightly on the roof, but that was enough to get him sitting straight up in bed, trying to collect his thoughts. Shit, it was Steve. Panic and bile rose in his chest but he shoved both back down and shook Bucky lightly. “Honey, honey.” He said, voice a full tone higher. “He’s back.” That was all he could say, all he knew to say. He had rehearsed it a million times in his head, but Tony still didn’t know what to say. Still didn’t know how to confront the man who had put him through so much pain. “Bucky, please.” He added, getting up out of bed. “Steve’s back.” It was..terrifying. There had been so much peace, everything was okay while Steve was gone. The Avengers just watched Netflix and kept to themselves, only hanging out at mealtimes. 

Now, now it was going to be hell again. It was enough to make Tony want to dash down the stairs, drag Bucky with him, and take a Lyft to the furthest possible spot. Maybe he could call Happy and have him fuel up the jet? No, that’d take at least twenty minutes, but..the suit. Maybe he could use that. “We could go now.” He said, looking at him. “We could fly off now to Paris or Rome, or..anywhere you’d want to go. Just to get away.” 

Bucky woke and his eyes fluttered open, body almost immediately hitching with fear at the sound of the quinjet. Impulsively, he hid his face with his pillow, and hastily searched for Tony’s hand, latching onto it once he found it. Holding it firmly, Bucky forced himself upright and looked at Tony worriedly. Leaving now...it’d be safer. Nicer. Easier. But...he couldn’t. They couldn’t. Steve wouldn’t just let them go. He’d find them out and probably react even more violently than if they told him now. Sighing quietly, Bucky simply shook his head. He’d need a little while for the words to come along. 

Tony thought for a moment. “Okay. Then...I say we stay here and try to come up with what to say. He won’t come looking for you tonight, right? I can tell Jarvis not to tell him where you are, to be extra vague and shit. We can- I can get some coffee, and I’ll figure it out.” He leaned forward and kissed Bucky on the forehead. “I love you. Let me do the worrying.” Tony was a master at that, and..if he could write a speech to take Stark Industries out of the weapons market, why couldn’t he come up with what to tell Steve Rogers? Or at least they could find a way to calm him down for now. 

 

“I love you, Buck. I’m not gonna let you get hurt, I promise. I..I really don’t want this to get violent but if it does, I want you to stay out, okay? I don’t want to risk you getting hurt. I can recover physically...mentally, but I don’t want you to have to hurt people again. It’s not what you do anymore. Remember?” Tony smiled softly, feeling like he was saying goodbye, though he knew he wasn’t. Right? Steve...Steve wouldn’t go that far, would he? Worst Tony would get was a concussion, maybe a few broken bones. That would be okay. He would take a beating for Bucky and never think twice about it. 

Bucky nodded and smiled sadly. What hit him more was that Tony remembered. So few seemed to understand that when he meant he didn’t do it...he didn’t do it at all. Only if it was ‘cause those in danger where people he loved. Just ‘cause he could fight...it didn’t mean he had to. 

“I’d do it again for you though.” He muttered softly, eyes moving down to their laps. All he wanted was to stay in bed with Tony, maybe let him play with his hair, talk about nothing and everything. They couldn’t, of course, but damn it if Bucky didn’t want to be domestic with his fella. God, if only he was his old self...how much better he’d be at all this. 

“I’d do anything for you, love.” Bucky tilted his head to the side and stared into Tony’s eyes with a soft gaze. It was like the calm before the storm. Reminded him of those timid mornings during the war, ‘bout the only clear pictures of those times he had left, when it was all quiet and all he could do was wait. Wait for the bombs and the targets and Hell to crawl up from under the soil. 

“Whatever...whatever…” His voice cracked and he gently lifted Tony’s hand into his own. We’ll do it together. He tapped out; they’d been using Morse code sometimes when hearing their own voices got too be too much. Okay? Won’t let you go it alone. 

Tony felt the tapping and smiled slightly, finding it somehow more reassuring than verbal communication. He nodded slightly and tapped back We’ll work on it. Then, he sat down next to Bucky and wrapped an arm around him. “But...you don’t have to fight for me.” He said, softly. “You’re retired now. I’m not.” He pressed a kiss to Bucky’s forehead. “Hopefully, we won’t have to fight.” Tony was a little bit better at communicating verbally, but he didn’t mind when Bucky’s words failed him. They were going to be okay. 

“We’ll do it together.” He repeated one last time, then gently rested his head on Bucky’s chest and closed his eyes. Maybe they should get some rest. Steve could wait until morning, right? Or maybe the afternoon? He yawned, feeling beyond exhausted. When he was stressed, usually cuddling with Bucky was his only way to relax. Now, though..there was so much more. What if Steve managed to separate him again? God. Tony didn’t think he could handle that again. Bucky needed someone to love him too, to have someone who didn’t mind when he couldn’t remember or use his words. Someone who accepted him instead of hating his flaws. They were..were meant for each other, in Tony’s mind. They had to be. 

He was retired. But...should he be? Bucky was healthy, alive, able to fight...there was no reason he should have stopped. Claiming that it was alright for him to stop...that was wrong. ‘Cause there was no reason to. Stevie was gonna hate that. Bucky wrapped his arm around Tony and held him close, burying his nose in the crook of his neck. Tony was everything for Bucky. He didn’t get angry if Bucky lost his train of thought, or...or forgot something he ought to remember crystal clear. 

Bucky didn’t sleep the rest of the night, all too aware of Steve Rogers just a floor below them. He was restless the whole night, Bucky could hear him pacing and stalking around the floor; going from the kitchen to the living room and back to his quarters. Each sound was like a landmine ‘bout to detonate and it kept him awake until the sun finally rose. As much as Bucky wanted to stay put, stay safe, stay with Tony, he knew he couldn’t. He’d learned from experience that prolonging things only made shit worse. Tony was still curled around him, but Bucky doubted that he was deeply asleep. 

“Tony?” Bucky whispered, delicately brushing the man’s hair from his forehead, kissing his forehead and then his cheek. “Just...just before we go down there and tell Steve, I just want to tell you,” Tony still looked to be at some level of peace, which Bucky was glad for, and his relaxed state somehow made it easier for him to speak. 

“I love you and I promise you, I swear to god, love, I’m not gonna let’m mess with my head. I got you now, got you and that’s all I need.” Bucky sighed a little and kissed Tony’s sleeping face again, trying not to get too emotional. 

“You’re the best thing to happen to me and there’s nothing that will take me away from you.” 

Tony’s eyes fluttered open, and he smiled a little at Bucky. He...he believed the man, that Bucky wasn’t going to abandon him again. Steve wasn’t going to convince him this time, and Tony wasn’t going to let him overwhelm him again.

Slowly, he moved from Bucky’s arms and stood up. “Well,” He said softly, “I guess we should go talk to him. I know he’s waiting for you, I’ve heard him pacing like a tiger all night.” He looked at the floor. “Then again, it always takes him ages to sleep after a mission. I looked at the chemistry, it’s because the adrenaline takes so long to wear off.” Not only would they be dealing with an angry Steve Rogers, they’d probably be dealing with one who was wearing off an adrenaline high. It would be..interesting. 

“Are you ready to go?” Tony had dozed a little bit, between thoughts of what to say and what to do if things went wrong, but he operated better on less sleep anyways. If it went well, they could take a nap later anyways. If it didn’t go well….maybe they could hop a plane and sleep there instead. Hell, maybe they’d just spend a week on his private island until things cooled down. Either way, Tony had a million branching plans in his head. Hopefully...hopefully things would go okay, and nobody would get hurt. Tony wasn’t counting on it though.

Bucky pulled a sweater over his head and tied his hair back. “Yeah.” Steve was his friend. Always had been...always would be, right? God, he hoped so. If their relationship could survive the war, Hydra, and seventy years of ice between ‘em, Bucky being happy couldn’t be the breaking point, could it? 

Maybe. Bucky opened the door of their room and took a step out into the hallway, taking Tony’s hand in his once he followed. He hadn’t put his prosthetic on yet; Tony had built him a new one that was much lighter and could be removed with ease, so Bucky didn’t wear it to sleep. He liked the freedom of choosing when to put it on. It may seem silly to other people, but that arm had been forced upon him all those years ago. Now, no one but himself could put it on his stump. 

And besides, even now, Steve didn’t like fighting people he had an unfair advantage over. That hadn’t changed. Silently, he pressed the button on the elevator and stepped in when it was almost immediately summoned. Bucky’s eyes slid over to Tony’s chest while they traveled and suddenly he regretted not wearing the thing. Sure, he was strong enough without it to take on Steve alone, but it was a sure thing to protect the reactor from...brute force. And vibranium. 

Tony felt him looking at the reactor. It was..it was his main weakness, beside his own mind. But, Tony wasn’t going to let that stop him. “I can protect myself.” He said softly, looking back to Bucky. “I’ll be fine, promise. I’m used to protecting my chest, and..” He tapped his watch. “I’ve got the suit ready to call. It’ll bust through the floor if it has to.” 

He took Bucky’s hand. “Don’t do anything stupid for me, alright? I love you, and..I don’t want to see you get hurt.” He wasn’t afraid to say that to Bucky, not anymore. If they could make it through this, their love...their love would last. The elevator doors opened and Tony released his hand, walking out into Steve’s living room. 

Steve was still in his uniform, shield leaning against the kitchen counter. He hadn’t changed since he got off the plane, and had a cup of coffee gripped tightly in his hand. Steve had been expecting Bucky to show up at some point, but he hadn’t expected Tony to come with him. Frankly, he was pissed that Bucky had broken his promise. That he was with Tony again. “Morning.” He said, looking at them both. “Come to explain yourselves?” 

Bucky raised an eyebrow and let out a harsh bark of a laugh. Who would’a thought seeing his supposed best friend would be so bitter? What the hell had happened? Their poor mas were surely rolling in their graves. 

“What’s there to explain, pal?” His voice was sharp and humorless, despite the shaky grin on his face. He somehow was able to speak like his old self in this moment, and whatever allowed him to do that; love, stupidity, desperation, he thanked his lucky stars. ‘Cause damn Steve, can’t you see I’m trying? 

“Last I checked we weren’t kids anymore.” Last he checked they weren’t much of people anymore either. More like ghosts in solid forms. Bucky leaned against the counter and met Steve’s cold, distant eyes. Just a few shades darker and he’d be looking at Pierce. 

He swallowed his fear. Save it for later. Or never. Never worked too. 

“Never pegged you as the school matron type either.” With wide eyes, eyes that anyone who knew him would know were filled with fear, Bucky held out his fist. “Wanna rap my knuckles?” 

Steve growled slightly, rolling his eyes. “You know damn well what I mean, why you’re with him again.” He raised his voice slightly. “Damn it, you broke your promise! I did that for your good Bucky, so he wouldn’t hurt you. You know the kind of person he is, I told you.” 

Tony tried to hold his tongue. It wasn’t..it wasn’t working all that well. “Unlike some people, I actually accept him for who he is.” Yeah, Tony was being a little petty, but damn. Steve was being..well, a hypocrite. Thought Tony would reject him, when he was rejecting Bucky. That was fucked up. “I love him, Rogers. You can’t change that. We aren’t gonna leave each other.” That was just plain fact. 

Steve’s face started to get red. He looked between them. “That isn’t true, is it, Bucky?” He asked, taking a step closer to the man, nearly looming over him. He was still a bit taller than Bucky, by maybe an inch or two at the most. He was much taller than Tony though, and twice as intimidating for people who weren’t super soldiers. “You- you don’t love someone like him, do you?” 

Most people wouldn’t ever think that Bucky had been in this situation before. Especially folks that they knew back in Brooklyn. Most people would assume that given their height differences for much of their friendship, and their loyalty to one another, Steve never had reason to, or appropriate attributes to accomplish such a thing. That just ‘cause Steve Rogers couldn’t look Bucky Barnes in the eye without tipping his head up meant that the former could never make the other dread time spent breathing the same air. 

It’s a silly, silly assumption, really. Bucky had believed it for awhile too, so he supposes you couldn’t call it stupid. Or maybe you could, considering that the one who’d been lashed the longest by Stevie was no one but himself. Even his own mother died before he could sink his claws in too deep. Poor woman. Bucky exhaled through his nose and blinked, once, twice, three times before meeting his eyes. There ought to have been steam between their gazes. Bucky’s was all fire, a burning cabin in a forest, and Steve’s couldn’t have been colder. 

The silence was perhaps the only thing keeping one from corroding the other. Each party still harbored enough love for the other that releasing such a negative force was something neither wanted. They stood there, with nothing more than a breath between them, lost in each other in the worst way possible. Every moment of their history was stuck in those couple inches separating their faces, ticking up until it wound it’s way back to the present. If Bucky tried hard enough, he could still see that punk he knew in Brooklyn. Born eight weeks early just three weeks after him. 

Once he spoke, their precious mirror to a reality so far removed from the present would be smashed and Bucky could only hope Stevie would let him remember it fondly. 

“I do, Stevie. I do.” 

Steve...Steve did something that he never thought he’d do. He snapped on Bucky. As soon as he threw the punch, he knew he had fucked up. Maybe it was the combination of the anger and leftover adrenaline, with the coffee mixed in for good measure. Maybe..maybe it was just that he wasn’t the man he used to be. Either way, even as his fist seemed to fly in slow motion towards Bucky’s face, only one thing crossed his mind. Regret. How- how could he do this? How far had he gone? Sure, Tony was a dick. He didn’t want his best friend to date the guy, but..Bucky was his best friend. At least- at least he used to be. Wouldn’t be anymore. As soon as he made impact, Steve pulled away quickly and looked at Bucky for a moment, trying to show him how sorry he was before he looked between them both. Tony looked really, really fucking pissed. Not one to run away from a fight, Steve didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t - didn’t know how to apologize for something like this. He knew where to start, though. 

“I’m sorry, Buck.” He blurted, looking at him. “I snapped, I didn’t mean-”

Tony looked at him. “You don’t punch someone on fucking accident, Rogers. You meant it, now you regret it. You- you hurt Bucky. Neither of us want that.” Of course he was angry, but..he was more worried about Bucky. Steve had hit Tony before, and it hurt like a bitch. Then again, Bucky still had some of the serum in him. Tony didn’t have anything, he was just a regular guy with a metal suit.   
Well, damn if that wasn’t the truth. Steve nodded a little, glancing down to the ground. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” He thought for a second. “I dunno how I’ll make it up to you guys, but I’ll try soon. Promise. I’m..I’m gonna go.” With that, he put his cup of coffee in the sink and left, jogging up the stairs. That didn’t go well.

Bucky held his jaw, staring at the floor silently. Steve...Steve hit him. Hit him and left him. It hadn’t even hurt that bad, there’d just be a bruise on his cheek for a little while, but...fuck. What would compel him to do that? Whatever had happened to them...to Steve, it was obvious neither of them had accepted that their friendship, the one they’d forged in the alleys between their apartments, was dead and buried right next to those empty graves in Arlington. 

He turned to Tony and looked him over reverently. What a lucky guy he was, huh? To have someone like Tony to hold and be held by, to stand by and stand with...to hell with his past. There was no other place he’d want to be. No one else he’d want either. 

Bucky hadn’t realized he was crying, silent tears stinging his new bruise, or that his hand was shaking, until he couldn’t see clearly anymore and it was more trouble to wipe the tears away than it was to let them build. Without a moment’s hesitation, Bucky leaned in to to give Tony a kiss, scooping him up protectively and holding him firmly to his chest. Don’t let go. Please, dear god, don’t.

Tony held him close, gently wiping the tears away with such tenderness that he barely touched the fresh bruise that was forming. “I love you so much, Bucky.” He said, softly. “That’s never gonna change.” He shook his head slightly. That was a promise. He wrapped his arms around Bucky and started to tap out a message on his shoulder I love you. I’m never gonna stop. He tapped it out over and over, burying his face into Bucky’s chest. God. All this tension, and now..the aftermath. 

This hadn’t broken them. Nothing else would. Maybe..maybe they would never get along well with Steve, maybe never again. That was sad, Tony wished that Bucky’s best friend would have accepted him. Still, it was going to be okay. They would be just fine, no matter what.


End file.
